Maintaining a lifestyle in retirement can be tricky. Being fastidious with my savings means basic expenses are covered. It would be easy to stop there, but some of the luxuries may start to downgrade over the next few months if I don’t do something real.

I have too many things on my plate, and not all of them are mine. Many of them aren’t even profitable in the near-term. Clouds of things to fix and things to finish fog over my windshield. Pretty hard to see the whole process, let alone the path to victory. Don’t get me wrong: I refuse to fail, but I don’t like having too many pressing obligations and not enough time.

Mentally, I’m all angry storms and little F1 tornadoes that pass just north of my center of gravity. Too much pressure to do things that interest me, and compassion has always been one of those interests. Others have needs, and I’m slipping off my mark trying to help. Having too many hobbies and not enough time makes it easy to mis-prioritize.

In short, I want to be useful, but sometimes I just feel like a delusional retiree. I don’t like being there.

Not getting enough sewing time, even though I’m starting to sell finished pieces. Not enough writing time, and literary agents are already calling me, trying to get me to sign term sheets. This is something I have to fix; can’t blame anybody else.

I’m starting to get irritated by the mental weather and neediness and the pain that comes from being in the hot seat all the time. And, to be honest, I’ve spent my whole life carrying loads of stuff for other people. I was the only adult in my family of four from age 13 until I left for college. Then there were no adults, including my parents.

There’s that runaway compassion kicking in again, the obligation to make the world right, even if I have to punch kilotons above my weight. Really ready to let someone else take it, but through my impending-disaster-colored binoculars, that ain’t happening anytime soon. I think I need a new pair.

The energy’s there, but I flinch. Laziness and lounging around consume too much of my mornings, just because the slate ahead of me feels like a pulsar at zero deflection angle. Truth is that I’m actually balancing the load quite well, I just want to drop it sometimes, and I berate myself too often for moving organically through my day.

It’s a heavy load. All of my immediate family have various and legitimate medical conditions that limit them somewhat. Carrying all this weight for others feels crushing, emotionally, but it’s what I’ve always done, and what I think I always must do, just out of habit. It’s mostly me: It’s a complex problem, and I’m not guilt-free in this situation.

The money spin is a pain in the neck, too. I can kinda see the tunnel at the end of the light, and I want to change tracks before I get there. I’ve got to pump up the volume some, which means gaining full control of the stereo system.

I don’t want to say it out loud, but I’m tired of always being the servant, the pillar, the rock of the people around me. It’s really not their fault they’re in their situations, and default modes are hard to shake, but I want to say, “Look, I’m not just a problem solving engine.”

But then, maybe I am, and I just need to focus on better problems.

Actually, when I give it some thought, I am a problem solving engine. It’s all I ever do. It has to be a heck of a lot of fun for me somehow, or I wouldn’t get so caught up. I just need to make it pay well by choosing broader problems, and arrange the solutions so that I get tangible returns.

Stale chewing gum is my best friend, I guess. That’s the first problem I solved, and I almost became a chemist because of it. Why does chewing gum go stale in your mouth? Why does it lose its flavor? Why does it turn hard if you leave it on the table, but then become pliable again if you start manipulating it?

At heart, I’m really a very creative engineer, someone who solves complex problems using both sides of my brain (probably because they’re fused together and have no filters). I don’t necessarily do it for money, I just do it because it’s what I do. I just need to start making my jam pay better.

“Intro to Engineering” was my very favorite college experience, way back in my sophomore year of college (after I changed majors). He was teaching decision-making, ballpark calculations, reversed design, and many other engineering techniques. I excelled, got straight A+ grades, spent long nights at the drawing board without regretting it. The instructor became my very first professional friend. Didn’t realize until after he died that he was Von Braun’s countdown guy, the ultimate planner.

So all that detailed analysis I used to do, when I felt that I was doing my very best work? That was real. That was me.

I think my quest needs to refine itself. Never saw that coming, but here it is.

I can surround and overwhelm nearly any problem that comes up. I not only have the tools, I can reconnect with the attitude and intuition that I had back then. Without having to write everything with a Pentel 0.5 on K&E green-grid. Okay, maybe I wouldn’t mind having a green-grid template for my writing program, and maybe engineering printing, too. Or maybe that’s just too much weirdness and clunky nostalgia. Dunno.

The point? I think I’m done throwing art into the void. I need to show my work, in compact form, every time. Reveal the thinking process; show the flow chart; post the mind map. Show a lot of the steps. Teach people how to use basic engineering to help themselves.

Unless, of course, that’s what I’m already doing, without realizing it.

Burn slow. Build deep. Be the proof.