| prev > top | next > some work in noise |
I have much greater certainty today than I have in days recently passed. My comfort level that I will be able to make retirement a great experience grow with each passing hour. The baseline income is not what it was, true, but the opportunities to do things with my time that will yield not only income, but satisfaction, are much greater than the few precious drops I could capture from an unnecessarily competitive world. This alone is comforting, but what’s inspiring is the way I’m suddenly focusing on the simplest details and working very hard to get the nuances and techniques right. I am truly taking the time to learn my craft this time, instead of blindly pushing to get things that will sell. Every once in a while I get the urge to hurry, but it is easily batted down in the backfield.
My energy is surprisingly resilient. I have had a couple of sinus issues as the seasons change, both relatively minor, and possible to work through for the most part. The latest one was caught and (seemingly) repudiated long before it became a major issue, with just one morning spent relaxing in bed. And that languishing morning wasn’t even necessary, just enjoyable. I can seem to command more energy than I have had available in the last few years. My youth and childhood is too far away for me to gauge accurately, but I will assume that I am no spring chicken, and the frolics of youth, when I walked as much as 10-15 miles on a Saturday, are probably behind me without some structured training.
My mental weather is extremely clear: unlimited visibility, no ceiling, calm winds, no shear. No storms on the horizon, though I am willing to acknowledge that they can blow up at any time, unbidden and unwelcome. In particular, I find myself leaning toward Spock-speak, a very precise type of language that I use when I am in particularly fluid mental form. Today seems to be one of those days. Translating this for publication would take ChatGPT at least five full seconds, I am sure, though I am hesitant to test that precisely, since I have no interest in having a machine write for me. I am, though, very doubtful of programs that claim to spot AI-written prose. Any well-written prose, for example, the works of Thoreau or Jane Austen, end up triggering such programs to claim fraud. Besides, if the message is clear, correct, and carries the right emotional weight, it probably does not make any difference how that message was written.
For once, the outside weather seems to match the inside weather. No clouds, no ceiling, no wind to speak of; low 60s, with the promise of 70-ish days to come. Christmas will probably be shirt-sleeve weather this year, and I’m happy with that. I remember one particular Christmas like this when I was growing up. Couldn’t tell you which year, but I was an older teenager, so 15 or older. Out on the right-side front porch, doing something, and it was perfectly fair weather, just a T-shirt, no jacket or thought to even look for a jacket, not even to have it handy. Nice days, these.
Loops are beginning to close. My wife has finally put up the Christmas tree, after much teasing and prodding on my part. She claims she is used to putting it up on Christmas Eve and leaving it up for months after. I have no evidence to substantiate or refute this statement, hence “claim.” But I believe her; I do not believe she would misrepresent things in this way.
The cat is very much my close companion. She comes to my chair when I’m journaling in the morning to simply be petted for a moment, to engage in mutual affection. Beautiful moments. She usually follows it up with a trip to the treat dish, but that may be proximity as much as anything. Who can really figure out cats? I am always suspect when someone describes the sensory inputs or the mental processes of animals. How can they determine this? I have my doubts. Cats are suitably complex, essentially opaque to humans, which is why we adore them. Something which we cannot control or even completely understand makes life rich and interesting. I believe this is why so many people cling to religion. It is simpler and perhaps more rewarding to simply read your Bible and adopt a cat.
The “unfinished” label seems ludicrous, if only because I have barely started. Though, I suppose, I could count up the renovation projects that are not quite finished. Perhaps I should focus on those in a dedicated way in the new year, perhaps allocating a specific amount of time each day to work on closure. Simple steps are much easier to execute than grand plans, and we are certainly down to the craftsmanship phase of our work. I do need to complete some projects, though, it is certainly not my wife’s wish to live in an unfinished home.
I seem to have five or six suns, so the gravity could be complex. If the three-body problem is unsolvable, a seven-body problem is completely unpredictable and chaotic. Still, there are principles and mathematics for dealing with chaos in a productive way. Perhaps step one is to learn those and try to apply them to my situation.
I am anchored in the firm belief that I understand the realities of the universe to my satisfaction, and that the universe completely obeys the laws of physics which it also enforces. I have no doubt that these macro laws are driven my inevitable properties at the microscopic level. Therefore, why am I to conclude that the universe is not everywhere compliant to the laws of physics? It feels like it has to be infinite, with the basic rules of order and entropy applying everywhere, even in empty spaces. That is, if I were to somehow equip myself to travel beyond all existing structures in the universe, I would find that my watch still works correctly.
I am resisting the idea of continuing to berate myself and treat myself with disrespect. This is partly because my body has started reacting to these choices with what feel like attacks of dizziness and Meniere’s disorientation. I can confirm that I am not imagining this, it is strongly correlated, both because it sets on not long after non-self-supporting behavior begins, and fades quickly when the behavior is aborted. And using the correct antidote, meclizine, does not have a major effect on this dizziness – only cessation of the behavior.
I have many designs for today, but I also have concerns that there are many family issues to address. Debbie, my sister-in-law, lost her father this weekend. We have roasted a sliced ham for her, and we should take it to her and her family. There will probably be a funeral tomorrow, which we will certainly attend, though I do not yet know the details. This family is not always very clear about details until very close to the last minute. I do not know if this is casual disregard or a desire to be a power center by withholding information until the last minute. I am disinterested in testing this hypothesis, though I do wonder at times. Nevertheless, the ideas are still coming, plans are still assembling themselves in my subconscious, and things are still moving forward when they can.
In the back of my mind, my subconscious is telling me there are five or six forks I will eventually want to pursue. In other words, the electronics, radio, and Emacs hobbies – and the public performance of same – have not been canceled, simply put on hold so that I can learn sewing and crochet well. I get the distinct impression that the fabric arts will initially be the most lucrative, so they should be mastered first. Electronics, radio, Emacs, and novel-writing will probably eclipse them off-and-on, but I feel strongly that the combination, added to my regular JOTIF posts, will be a very strong brand with enough of a following to provide me with the things I need and desire to have.
And this is effectively the pivot, is it not? This is a nascent plan, not derived from calculation or logistics analysis, but from sensations of the heart. This is clearly a stronger plan, though I do not yet grasp it all. My engineering mind wants it written down, with clear steps that show how we walk to success. I sense in my creative mind that this is not how these undertakings proceed. They take their own steps, in their own time, reacting and responding to circumstance, opportunity, and situations, but always going forward at the fastest possible pace, always seeking the highest gradient in the current vector field. This is comforting.
I need to take my journaling more seriously. I should always write my emologent as if it were a continuous blog. In fact, my blog should go up every day, strictly based on these categories. I should probably even share the headings, since they actually help the whole thing to make sense.
And that is the rare value, already shared with me by a co-worker months ago: living this life in public through my blog. No concealment, no obscuring of ideas or feelings, just exactly what I am doing and how I am developing my mind, body, spirit, and potential. Few, if any, truly do this.
I have just changed the heading “blockers” to “points of friction.” This more accurately represents how I experience the world. Today’s points of friction are, in fact, things that don’t have /enough/ friction. Specifically, my phone. It is incredibly easy to turn to the phone for some sort of dopamine hit, even when I can’t think of anything I should do with it. I’m quite sure this is by design, and it pains me greatly. I still have times when I find myself picking up my phone and wonder why I’m doing it, then put it down. I need to devise a way to use my phone – perhaps a customized interface – that creates friction where friction is due.
So the quest for this week is to be malleable and flexible. Family comes first, and I’m sure there will be a lot of churn and drift as different family members hover and orbit. I just need to dress smart, be cool, and be the funny and empathetic one. Maybe I even need to create a list of dad jokes.
Intelligence. For some reason, my logical and linguistic side has developed a tighter integration with my creative and emotional side, though I suspect they were always that way (I just didn’t understand what was happening, and therefore worked against the union). The fact that I am using nuanced vocabulary does not minimize the level to which I am processing and describing emotions, but it might make it seem more clinical. It is not.
This. Whatever is happening today, may it keep happening indefinitely.
I forget, and that’s the beauty of it.